


there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me

by measleyweasley



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: M/M, birdlaw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-21 06:44:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19997599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/measleyweasley/pseuds/measleyweasley
Summary: Lawyer just wants to help. No really.





	there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to FlyingEgg, AnthraxValentines, and rumhammer for the lovely comments! i hope you enjoy :)

The first time Lawyer meets him, he’s thoroughly unimpressed.

He’d been walking the Joneses through the eviction proceedings all morning, trying to help them figure out a way to come up with the money to keep their home. They’re good people and he doesn’t want them to get ousted. And the story they’d told him about Mr. Reynolds and some young men who’d broken into their house the day previous makes him even more eager to help them out. As they’re standing in the foyer, Lawyer getting ready to take his leave, he can hear a loud conversation happening outside. He peers through the peephole.

“It appears that you have some unwanted visitors.”

He opens the door as he hears the shout of “Threeeee!” causing one Dennis Reynolds to tumble into the hallway with a fucking battering ram. Of course.

He lets Dennis and his little entourage smash the door anyway, knowing it’ll help build a case against them should the family want to sue them for property damage. Lawyer doesn’t mind screwing over Mr. Reynolds who is, in his estimation, a dick. He lives up to Lawyer’s estimation as he both insults his clients and his tie. Just as he starts pointing one of his sausage fingers at Lawyer who would really love nothing more than to dropkick him out of what’s left of the door, one of the group steps forward to diffuse the situation.

He looks grubby. There’s no other word for it. His awful yellow shirt makes him look like a failed car wash employee and his face hasn’t been shaved in days, though Lawyer can’t tell if it’s from laziness or done on purpose. The effect of his niceish blue-green eyes and freckles is ruined by the absolute garbage coming out of his mouth.

Lawyer can’t help but think this is the dumbest man he’s ever met as he rambles on in fake ‘Lawyer-ese’ as he wife likes to call it. He’s briefly reminded of their last counseling session where she’d accused him of playing mind games when he doesn’t stop himself from pressing this idiot. The idiot blusters and stumbles, but interestingly doesn’t bother to outright lie when Lawyer pointedly asks him about his educational background. He also doesn’t yell at Lawyer about his whore of a mother, so he’s at least a step above the others.

As he watches him scream and kick his way through the partially shredded door in an embarrassed escape like a frenzied Kool-Aid Man, Lawyer thinks that he won’t have to worry about seeing this member of the Reynolds gang again.

*

The second time, Lawyer has a headache.

He can’t understand why Dennis Reynolds and his other idiot friend who reminds Lawyer strongly of some kind of Mafioso Junior would be passing themselves off as real-estate agents and quite frankly, he doesn’t care. It’s not strange or amusing so much as it is downright annoying. He’s had a shitty morning-he spilled coffee on his favorite tie, his car’s service light came on during his drive to work, his wife is apparently too busy to go to counseling tonight despite it being her day off, and to top it all off, those assholes are pretending to be real estate agents and threatening people.

He doesn’t even have time to acknowledge the fact that he’s at his breaking point when the scruffy guy from earlier barges in wearing what has to be the ugliest tie Lawyer has ever seen. He challenges him to a duel like he thinks he’s a lover in an Elizabethan play come to defend his betrothed’s honor. In a strange way, his weird display makes Lawyer perk up. 

Lawyer has learned from his marriage that the only way to deal with this kind of person is to beat them at their own game. He wants to laugh hysterically at the look on this guy’s face but keeps his composure.

Lawyer spins his wedding ring idly and smiles, for a moment forgetting about the counseling session as he thoroughly enjoys how uncomfortable this guy looks. Serves him right for bothering Lawyer on such a shit day. He even winks as he does a little finger gun at him, causing the guy to cover his mouth in quiet panic. It’s almost (but not quite) endearing how harmless this guy is compared to the others. After he’s left, tail clearly between his legs, Lawyer goes back to filling out paperwork. He doesn’t realize he’s still smiling until his assistant pops in and asks what’s put him in such a good mood.

*

The third time they meet, Lawyer is not in a good mood.

He thought he’d been in a bad mood a month ago when his wife served him the divorce papers. Well, served is a strong word, considering she wasn’t even home when he got them. They just showed up in the mail without warning, as if mentioning it to him had slipped her mind. But the mood he was in then is nothing compared to the one he’s in today. That morning, his wife let slip about her affair with their marriage counselor (or ex-marriage counselor, at this point).

It’s a wonder he doesn’t call security immediately when he sees members from the Reynolds gang sitting in his office. He barely has the energy to mock them. Thankfully his assistant interrupts whatever the scruffy one was saying about his Kitty Mits. Even more thankfully, she’s brought security with her.

*

Later that night, Lawyer’s an entire bottle of wine in and feeling extremely sorry for himself.

Their marriage counselor wasn’t even that good looking. What did he have that Lawyer didn’t? Was he more interesting? Was he funnier? Lawyer thought himself pretty amusing but it had been awhile since he’s been able to make her laugh. 

As Lawyer uncorks his second bottle of wine, he has the stray thought that at least he knows the scruffy guy’s name now. Charlie. Lawyer sits down on the cheap comforter with his refilled mug. Lawyer doesn’t know what to make of him.

He was an imbecile, no question there. _Forknights_? Really? Was the guy illiterate? But, or possibly because of his stupidity, Lawyer thought he was kind of…sweet. Innocent, maybe, if he hadn’t taped his secretary to a bathroom sink. He takes a deep sip and physically shakes his head, a testament to how drunk he actually is in his empty motel room. Charlie didn’t tie up his assistant when he came to challenge him to the duel. Must have been Deandra’s idea, then.

God, in comparison to the other members of the gang, Charlie is a goddamn ray of sunshine.

Unlike the others, Charlie actually tries to impress him. The thought makes Lawyer sit up a little straighter, preening with no one around to see him. Charlie’d gotten dressed up last time, hadn’t he? And he really seemed to care what Lawyer thought of him, unlike his withholding bitch of a wife, soon to be ex-wife. Would it have killed her to show a little soft side? Honestly, Lawyer’s a little relieved they’re finally ending it.

Lawyer looks over at his briefcase. Before they’d been escorted out of the office, Charlie had pulled a VHS tape out of his ratty green jacket and pushed it into Lawyer’s hands.

“Don’t forget about the kitten mittens, dude!” If he’s going to be miserable all night he may as well watch the damn thing.

That’s his justification for putting his mug down on the nightstand and leaning over to grab his briefcase. He succeeds in not falling off the bed, which he feels a little proud of. He pops the tape into the ancient television and waits.

After watching it, Lawyer comes to the conclusion that Charlie is an idiot and that he hates him for it.

He probably leads a simple life, Lawyer thinks a little enviously. Drinking with his awful friends, making dumb videos, no real responsibilities. Nobody having expectations of who you should be and what you should do. It’s a type of freedom that’s sad but Lawyer can’t help but want that too, just a little bit. 

He probably doesn’t do too bad with the ladies either, when he’s clean and his hair is washed. Lawyer can’t help thinking of how thick and dark it is. His (soon-to-be ex) wife prides herself on being a natural blonde but Lawyer’s always secretly favored brunettes. He thinks of what it might feel like to grab a fistful of it and immediately feels guilty.

He thinks of his wife’s nasty tone that time she’d accused him of spending too much time with one of the members at his firm.

Lawyer had gotten his office moved away from Jeremy’s and she’d seemed satisfied.

He laughs mirthlessly at the irony of the situation.

Lawyer finishes his mug of wine and falls asleep fully clothed.

*

The fourth time, Lawyer wakes up with a headache and seeing Charlie and Deandra attempting to hide in his car doesn’t help.

Attempting being the operative word, and not entirely appropriate as all they really do is duck down in the seats. These are the last people he could possibly want to see. Dee accuses him of having an affair and Lawyer wishes the truth was a little less pathetic. 

*

The fifth time, there’s a hooker in his office.

“We got you a little something to take your mind off your little wife situation,” Charlie says brightly, gesturing for ‘Sandy’ to take a seat.

This could be manageable and only mildly uncomfortable. Then the rest of the gang shows up and it all goes to hell.

Lawyer does make an unconscious note in the ensuing chaos that Charlie is the only one who doesn’t check out the women in his office, preferring instead to lean his hand against Lawyer’s desk. Lawyer wishes he wouldn’t.

Deandra accuses him of cheating on his wife (again) and Dennis offers to rape his wife and he really wants nothing more than to scream at all of them. And then Frank Reynolds walks in with yet another “freakish whore” and he really does yell at them.

It’s when Frank almost shoots him with a goddamn tequila gun that Lawyer decides on the restraining orders.

As security escorts them out of his office, hookers in tow, Charlie turns back and mouths a “sorry” at him and shrugs his shoulders in apology.

He’s dumb and clearly a danger to Lawyer’s safety.

Lawyer forgets to pick up his wife’s picture from where Frank shot it off the desk.

*

Lawyer writes up the contracts and doesn’t hesitate to sign the rights to Paddy’s Pub’s merchandizing over to himself. It’s what they get for being so terrible. Charlie’s just as bad as the rest of them and Lawyer doesn’t want to think about him anymore. That’s what he tells himself as he files the restraining orders.

*

The sixth time is short.

Lawyer spends the entire morning fighting over ownership of the house with his wife. Lawyer’s the one who paid for it and she’s the one who cheated so she can have it over his cold dead body and not even then.

So when he runs into the gang at the business conference Lawyer is brimming with cold rage that he has no problem taking out on them. He takes vicious pleasure in telling Charlie that he no longer owns Kitten Mittens. At Charlie’s expression of hurt and betrayal Lawyer just looks back sarcastically. Charlie has no reason to trust him. If he did, that’s his own fault for being so gullible.

Lawyer’s sick of getting walked all over, of having complete and total assholes ruining his life because they have no goddamn self-control. Serves them right.

*

Lawyer gets the house.

There are empty spaces where his ex-wife’s things should be but aren’t. He makes dinner in silence, scrolls through his Hulu queue for an hour, and goes to sleep in a bed that feels too big even for him.

He tells himself this is what he wants.

*

The seventh time, Charlie’s sticking his arm down a sewer grate.

Lawyer’s on his way to a lunch meeting around the block when he spots Charlie laying in the road in front of his firm, grunting and wriggling around. He has half a mind to cancel his meeting and hole up in his office even if it means Williams will demand his head on a silver platter for missing.

But because he is an idiot, Lawyer walks over to where Charlie’s lying on the ground. It wouldn’t look good to have Charlie causing a scene outside his place of business.

“Might I ask what you’re doing?”

“Urgh! Fuck, I’m just trying to get this poor little guy out of-” Charlie looks up. His expression flattens. “Oh. It’s you.”

If Lawyer was still wearing his wedding ring he would be fidgeting with it. He doesn’t have anything to say to that, so he ignores it and repeats his question.

“Why are you sticking your arm into that sewer grate?”

Charlie purses his lips, eyebrows knotted angrily. “Why do you care? Shouldn’t you be ruining people’s lives or something?”

“Fine, forget I said anything. Good day, Mr. Kelly.” But before he can get more than a few feet away Charlie calls him back.

“Wait! Don’t leave, I’m just trying to-“ he grunts and removes his arm, heaving himself up from the street. Lawyer turns back around, already mentally fitting himself for a pair of clown shoes as he walks back over.

“There’s a little kitten down there, man. I tried to lure him out with this,” Charlie pulls a kibble treat out of his pocket, “but he keeps mewling and swatting at it and I think he’s stuck.” Charlie looks at him pathetically.

Lawyer shouldn’t, he _knows_ he shouldn’t. If he doesn’t leave now he’s going to be late for his meeting. But Charlie looks so worried and Lawyer can’t stand seeing his distress. It’s the whole reason he became a lawyer, to help others. Before he can think twice, he’s taking off his jacket and shoving it at Charlie.

“Hold this,” he says as he rolls up his shirt sleeve and crouches down on the dirty asphalt. He peers down and realizes he can hear a light mewing coming from below.

“Here kitty, kitty,” he coos, extending his arm as far as it will go and trying not to recoil at the damp feel of the sewer. After a minute of batting his hand around blindly and Charlie hovering over his shoulder, his fingers graze something soft and warm. He grasps it gently and slowly levers his arm out of the grate.

It’s a pathetic little thing, gray fur all matted and wet. It blinks blearily up at Lawyer. Charlie crowds in to get a look.

“Hey, little guy,” Charlie says in the softest voice. “You’re all good now, no need to worry. Charlie’s got you,” he says as Lawyer gently hands the kitten over.

“Thanks, man,” Charlie says, looking up at Lawyer with a smile as soft as his voice. “And I’m sure this little guy thanks you too.” He very gently gestures with the kitten clutched in his hands.

Lawyer takes in the image of Charlie holding the tiny furball and grinning charmingly. Lawyer’s shirt is ruined from laying on the ground and he can see little crow’s feet around Charlie’s crinkled eyes.

“I have to go,” Lawyer blurts. He turns on his heel and legs it out of there. Williams is going to kill him for being late. He hears Charlie calling after him but doesn’t turn around.

*

The eighth time, Lawyer’s embarrassed by his own surprise. He’s filling out run-of-the-mill paperwork for a zoning dispute when there’s a knock at the door.

“Come in,” he says, not bothering to look up.

“Afternoon, lawyer dude!” Charlie says cheerily.

Lawyer looks up so fast he feels his neck crack.

“Can I help you, Mr. Kelly?” Lawyer says, gathering himself quickly and doing his best to sound irritated and professional.

“You forgot your jacket yesterday,” Charlie says, gesturing with said jacket draped over his arm. He comes over to Lawyer’s side of the desk. “I tried to give it back but you took off pretty quick. So, uh here you go.” He smiles self-consciously as he holds out the jacket.

Lawyer takes the jacket and their hands brush briefly. He tries not to care. “You do know you’re violating your restraining order by returning this?”

Charlie shrugs. “It just seemed like the right thing to do, man. You know, after you helped me out with Spider yesterday.”

Lawyer raises his eyebrows. “Spider,” he repeats.

“Yeah! That’s what I named the kitten,” Charlie smiles beatifically and pulls a phone out of his back pocket. He comes closer so he can show Lawyer the screen. On it is a picture of the kitten, looking fluffy but clean from where he’s nestled on top of Lawyer’s jacket.

“I did my best to get all the cat hair off but you know cats, man. Not governed by reason.”

“Quite,” Lawyer says, not entirely sure what he should be doing. That’s not true; he should be calling security and then calling the police. What he does instead is ask, “Are you keeping him?”

“Yeah, for now, until he can fend for himself, hunt his own rats, that kind of thing.”

Lawyer knows he needs to kick Charlie out of his office and get on with his work. “You know that’s not safe for cats, right?” Whoops.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that outdoor cats have much shorter lifespans than indoor cats, especially in a big city like this. There’s a lot of dangerous things out there. Either you’ll have to keep him as an indoor cat or give him up for adoption.”

“There’s no way I’m giving up this little guy for adoption! We had a soul moment, dude. I’ll have to talk to Frank about keeping him though.”

Lawyer’s face scrunches in confusion. “Why would you have to talk to Mr. Reynolds about keeping the kitten?”

“Oh! Because we live together,” Charlie says in a matter-of-fact tone as he leans against the desk.

Lawyer stares.

“You _live_ with that man?” Lawyer asks.

Charlie frowns. “He’s not so bad once you get used to the occasional hooker and blanket hogging and the toe knife-”

“Wait. Blanket hogging?” Charlie nods. “You share a _bed_ with that man?”

“What can I say? He pays the rent. Us janitors don’t make that much.”

Lawyer can feel his eyes bulging. He’s disgusted that anybody would sleep in the same room as Frank Reynolds, much less Charlie of all people. As he’s trying to ignore why that bothers him so much, Charlie pipes up.

“Speaking of the apartment, you should totally swing by! Spider’s looking a lot better today and he’d love to have somebody new to snuggle.”

“Thank you, Charlie, but that sounds like the last thing I would ever want to do,” Lawyer says, smiling nastily. Charlie’s face shutters. He stands up and backs away from the desk.

“Whatever, forget I mentioned it. Have fun with your lawyer stuff, sorry for bothering you.”

He bustles himself out of the office before Lawyer can apologize, not that he would. It’s not his fault if Charlie took it the hard way. Lawyer restrains himself from calling him back.

*

The ninth time, Lawyer’s knocking on Charlie’s apartment door and determinedly ignoring the drunk old man sitting in the hallway.

After another moment of waiting during which Lawyer seriously considers just dumping the bag and hotfooting it out of there, Charlie opens the door.

He looks excited but his tone is guarded. “I thought you didn’t want to come over.”

“Well I changed my mind,” Lawyer says defensively.

He stands there awkwardly, Charlie waiting for him to continue. He tries to salvage the pregnant pause by holding out the plastic shopping bag he brought with him. “I wanted to give you this.”

“What’s this for?” Clearly it was the right move as Charlie takes the bag and steps away from the door. Lawyer takes it as an unspoken welcome and closes the door behind him as Charlie sits on the futon. His apartment’s not any better than the rest of the building, ratty and grimy with nowhere to sit but next to Charlie. Lawyer decides to stand.

“I was in the neighborhood and I thought Spider might appreciate these.” Lawyer hadn’t been in the neighborhood but he does his best not to sound shifty. He’s not sure he succeeds but Charlie doesn’t seem to notice, happily engrossed in upending the bag on the bed and going through the many many cat toys. His attention fixes on a rod with a feathered piece of string attached to one end.

“Dude, I love these things! Spider, check this out!” Charlie goes over to the windowsill where Spider’s lying on a balled up t-shirt.

Lawyer tentatively sits down on the couch as Spider leaps off the sill in his attempt to bat the feathers.

Charlie teases him with the toy for a few minutes before picking him up and settling onto the couch next to Lawyer. Instead of watching Charlie scritch behind Spider’s ears Lawyer digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out a piece of paper.

Lawyer shoves the latest copyright check for Kitten Mittens at him. “This is for Spider. He needs to go to the vet and you need to make sure he has all his shots.”

Charlie looks at the check, ignoring the scribbles and focusing on the number written in the little box. “Holy shit, dude.” Charlie looks up from the check and makes eye contact with Lawyer. His surprise is genuine when he says, “this is really nice of you.”

“I am capable of kindness, you know. It’s just difficult when you and your associates are constantly harassing me,” Lawyer says, knowing he’s being defensive again but not able to take it back.

Charlie laughs, as if he thinks Lawyer’s said the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. “Harassing you? C’mon dude, you can’t be serious.”

Lawyer sits up primly. “And why wouldn’t I be serious?”

Charlie smiles in disbelief. “Because we’re not harassing you. _You’re_ the one who’s been harassing _us_.”

Lawyer stares as if he’s forgotten how to blink. “So what do you call you and your friends continually breaking into my office, telling me how awful I am, and threatening me with violence?”

Charlie gives Lawyer a guilty little smile and squirms. “We’re just playing around man, we don’t mean it. Or at least, I’m playing around. That’s just how friends treat each other.”

“You think we’re friends?”

“Yeah, man!” Charlie says, face brightening. “Sure, we have our differences. I break into your car, you tell me to get out of your car, but at the end of the day we’re just two guys with a love of the law. You want a beer?”

Charlie dumps Spider into Lawyer’s lap and crosses over to the mini fridge.

Lawyer ignores his non-sequitur. “Do your friends usually take out restraining orders against you?”

Charlie pops the tabs on the bottles and hands one over, forcing Lawyer to take it. “Oh, I know you didn’t mean that. You were just upset, what with your divorce and all. Again, sorry about that. Besides, the Waitress has had a restraining order against me since forever and we get along just fine.”

Lawyer can’t help his curiosity. “The waitress?”

“Yeah, man! Oh, do you not know the Waitress? She’s great! Love of my life and all that.”

Lawyer tilts his head in mock interest. “Well congratulations, Charlie! When’s the wedding?”

Charlie balks. “Huh?”

“Since you two are so in love, surely the date must be on the horizon.”

“Oh, well, it’s just, you know how it is, what with our busy schedules and all-“ Lawyer watches Charlie’s ears go pink the more he blusters. He must be smirking because Charlie stops his stuttering. “Hey! You’re just messing with me, aren’t you? Man, she’s just like you. You guys would get along great.”

Lawyer knows Charlie means it as a compliment, but still. He knows the company he keeps and it makes him feel less than happy to be compared to them. “What do you mean she’s like me?”

“You know! You’re kind of bitchy and act like you don’t want to see me but really you like me deep down. Like, I knew you weren’t really going to duel me, you were just playing around. You can’t help that you’ve got a weird sense of humor.” Charlie smiles as if it’s all so obvious. He wants to argue against it, tell Charlie how wrong he is and that he doesn’t like him, much less tolerate him, and that his sense of humor is certainly not _weird._ But his mouth starts working before his brain does and what comes out is,

“I’m not bitchy!”

“Bitchy, mean, dramatic, whatever you want to call it, man,” Charlie says affably, finishing off the rest of his beer. “Are you gonna drink that?” He asks, reaching for Lawyer’s drink. Lawyer pettily pulls it out of his reach.

“Yes, I am,” he says, and takes a drink as if to make a point. _See? I can be nice and accept your hospitality._ But then Charlie smiles, as if he’s silently laughing at a joke Lawyer told him.

“Great! Settle in, make yourself comfortable. I have more in the fridge.” As he gets up to get another one, Lawyer has the uncomfortable thought that he’s missed something.

*

That night in bed, Lawyer thinks of the uneasy truce that had come to. Or almost come to, he corrects himself. Charlie hadn’t even fished another beer out of the fridge before Frank had busted in and started yelling about how Lawyer didn’t have “any goddamn honor” for being in Frank’s apartment when he wasn’t home. Lawyer made a hasty exit as Charlie tried to get Frank to put down the knife he’d pulled from between the couch cushions. For some reason the thought of a truce doesn’t bother him as much as he thinks it should. If it means one less asshole to yell at him, he’ll take it.

They didn’t make future plans, but for some reason Lawyer feels he’ll be seeing Charlie again soon.

*

The next time doesn’t really count. Lawyer’s making lunch when his phone goes off.

_*Need spydr house can ur place have pls*_

For a moment Lawyer thinks it’s a very wrong number before another bubble pops up.

_*Frank sick bad 4 cat lawer help*_

Lawyer rereads the two texts. After a minute he hits the phone icon and tries not to shift nervously as it rings.

It picks up after the second ring.

“Hey, man! What’s up?” Lawyer can tell from his tone that Charlie is smiling on the other end of the line. It’s almost as if he’s pleasantly surprised that Lawyer’s calling him. Lawyer tries to shake off the little thrill that gives him. God, he needs to get out more.

“Charlie, you’re the one who texted me. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah! Well, sort of. To make a long story short Frank has rabies and Spider can’t be in the apartment with him while he recovers. I was wondering if maybe you could watch him for a few days, since you know so much about cats and stuff.”

‘I don’t know, Charlie. I haven’t had a cat in years.”

“Oh, come on, man. Pleeeease. I would really appreciate it.”

Lawyer is about to say no, but is stopped by the memory of Charlie calling him mean. If they’re going to be friends, Lawyer thinks he should at least make an effort.

Besides, Lawyer can’t think of a good reason why he can’t take the cat so he agrees, gives Charlie his address, and hopes he doesn’t regret this.

*

When Lawyer opens the door, Charlie is already smiling. Lawyer’s stomach twists and he instantly regrets his decision to be nice.

“Hey, Lawyer!” Charlie beams.

“Hello, Charlie.” Lawyer is thrown by how happy Charlie is to see him. He must do a good job of not showing it, however, as Charlie continues. 

“Dude, thank you so much! Me and the little guy here really appreciate it.” Charlie gestures with Spider who he has wrapped up in a blanket, probably to protect him from the wind chill currently tousling Charlie’s hair. Lawyer steps aside to let them in and stubbornly doesn’t think about how soft and clean it looks today.

Charlie gingerly hands over the Spider bundle and rubs his hands together to get them warm, looking around as he does so.

“Whoa, man! Fancy place you got here. I bet you could fit like, a hundred people in here,” Charlie says, taking in the living room.

Lawyer tries to shrug off the compliment. “I wouldn’t know, I don’t entertain much.”

“C’mon, I’m sure you have big parties all the time in a place like this!” Charlie flops onto the couch and stretches out. “Or I guess you’re not in much of a party mood what with the divorce and all.”

“If you’re going to do that can you at least remove your shoes?”

“Oh yeah, sure,” Charlie chuckles embarrassedly as he sits up and kicks off his ratty sneakers. “Sorry, man.”

Lawyer frowns. “How did you know?”

“Huh?”

“I didn’t say anything about the divorce going through. How did you know it already happened?”

“Well you’re not wearing your ring so I just kind of figured…” Charlie shrugs his shoulders, as if to indicate to Lawyer how obvious it was. Lawyer is reminded of the knowing little grin from the time he was at Charlie’s and is hit by the same notion that Charlie is more perceptive than he lets on.

“I see.”

There’s an awkward pause. Lawyer is still standing in the front hallway holding the kitten who’s now wriggling around trying to get out of his blanket confines. Lawyer sets him down and he squirms free, padding over to the couch and jumping up to settle in Charlie’s lap. Lawyer doesn’t know what to do now that he isn’t holding the cat. Thankfully Charlie’s the next to speak.

“I’m pretty beat. You mind if I take a little catnap before heading out?”

Lawyer is so surprised by the question he just says a dumb “sure.” Charlie snuggles into the cushions and is out in a second. Lawyer’s impressed by how quickly he falls asleep. He leaves the room, but not before taking the throw blanket off the back of the couch and draping it over Charlie. Spider pokes his head out of the blanket and stares impassively at Lawyer.

Lawyer walks out of the room. He refuses to be judged by a cat.

*

An hour or so later Lawyer can hear some shuffling coming from the living room. He finishes up the report on his desk and heads out.

“Hey,” Charlie says blearily as he spots Lawyer.

“Hello,” Lawyer says stiffly. Charlie stretches his arms overhead, his arms flexing as he does so. Lawyer’s throat feels dry. He clears it awkwardly.

“You good, man? You’re looking a little weird.” Charlie peers at him.

“I’m great, just peachy keen.” Lawyer wants to cringe at the words coming out of his mouth but soldiers on. “Can I get you something to drink?” He doesn’t know why he said that. Thankfully he doesn’t have too much time to agonize over it as Charlie shakes his head and nudges Spider off his lap.

“Nah, man. I should probably get going,” Charlie says as he pulls his shoes on. “Gotta check in on Frank, make sure he hasn’t found his toe knife and all that.”

“Toe knife?”

“Yeah, he can get a little paranoid when he’s sick. One minute he’s cool and the next he gets stabby cause he thinks you’re trying to steal his shit.”

Lawyer can’t stop himself from asking. “Is it safe for you to go over there?”

“Yeah, probably, as long as he hasn’t found the knife,” Charlie chuckles then as if he’s just said _oh Frank, that jokester!_

Lawyer doesn’t find this reassuring but lets Charlie go anyway, though not before making him promise to check in the next day.

*

Lawyer sees him the next evening and immediately goes into panic mode.

“Jesus Christ, Charlie!”

Charlie looks down at his bloody shirt.

“So uh, guess I didn’t hide the knife as well as I thought,” Charlie lets out a strained laugh and shrugs his shoulders in a _what-can-you-do_ gesture, but the wince that accompanies it makes it less than convincing. 

Lawyer ushers him to the kitchen before he can protest and makes him take his jacket off and hop up on the counter while he hunts for the first aid kit.

“That man is psychotic,” Lawyer says angrily as he pulls the kit out from under the sink. “Please tell me he didn’t bite you, too.”

“Of course not! I made sure to muzzle him in case he got a hankering for a bit of Charlie meat.”

That’s too disturbing a pronouncement for Lawyer to comment on, so he stands up and focuses instead on undoing Charlie’s bandages. Though bandages is a generous word Lawyer thinks as he unwraps the duct tape and toilet paper from Charlie’s arm. As he wipes off the dried blood with a washcloth, he’s relieved that the cut’s not nearly as bad as Charlie’s shirt led him to believe, just a long thin slice across his forearm.

“Ow, dude! What the hell are you doing? Is that poison? Are you poisoning me?” Charlie whines as he tries to pull his arm out of Lawyer’s grip.

“I’m not poisoning you,” Lawyer says, keeping his grip firm but dabbing more gently at the cut. “I’m just putting antiseptic on this cut to keep it from getting infected. Hand me that roll of bandages, will you?”

Charlie grumbles but complies, handing over the roll. He manages to sit still for the rest, only swinging his legs lightly as Lawyer finishes up.

When he tapes up the end of the bandage, Lawyer stands and realizes he’s positioned between Charlie’s legs. For a moment they just look at one another. This close up, Lawyer can see the faint freckles on Charlie’s cheeks and the hint of green in his eyes. Charlie speaks first.

“You know you didn’t have to do that.”

“But I did.”

“Yeah.” Charlie gives him that cryptic smile again, like they’re sharing a joke only Charlie can hear.

Lawyer moves away, throwing the bloodied wrappings in the trashcan. When he turns back Charlie is still looking at him. Lawyer moves to fiddle with his wedding ring before he remembers he isn’t wearing it. He aborts the gesture and turns it into a vague wave towards Charlie.

“I can wash that for you, if you want.”

This seems to shake Charlie out of his one-sided staring competition. “That’d be great, man.”

“Give me your shirt and jacket and I’ll go get you a clean one.”

Charlie strips off the shirt and hands them over. Lawyer would think Charlie flexes when he takes off his shirt but he’s too preoccupied with staring past Charlie’s left shoulder to be sure. When Lawyer returns he hands the shirt to Charlie. It’s way too big on him, the hem hitting him mid-thigh but Charlie doesn’t seem to mind. Looking at him makes something twinge in Lawyer’s chest that he chooses to ignore in favor of saying the first thing that comes to mind.

“Would you like a drink?”

*

One drink turns into four and they’re sitting on Lawyer’s sofa, half watching _Thundergun Express._ Lawyer doesn’t know how it works but he’s sure that every channel must have the rights to it since it’s always on. He remembers one time when it was playing on four separate channels at the same time and he’d kept flipping back and forth to see how each station had censored the nudity. His favorite had been channel 52’s who’d covered Thundergun’s bits with a smiley face.

“Have you been a good boy for Mr. Lawyer Man?” Charlie says as he pulls Spider into his lap. He’d finally decided to come out of hiding as Thundergun kicked the Nazi spies off the back of the train only to flatten himself against it just in time to avoid being knocked off by mountain’s the tunnel entrance. 

Lawyer doesn’t roll his eyes so much as his entire head. “Oh yeah, he’s been great if you don’t include the running around in the middle of the night and batting my toothbrush into the toilet.”

“Aw he just messes with you ‘cause he likes you,” Charlie says fondly. “We like Lawyer, don’t we, little guy?” Charlie raises him up to his face and wiggles his paws, making him do a little dance like he’s a kitten marionette. Lawyer’s pretty sure if he tried that he would lose an eye. 

“I think he prefers you,” Lawyer says archly.

“Dude,” Charlie says with a little laugh as he curls Spider into him and strokes his head, eliciting a purr. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous!”

Lawyer raises his head haughtily. “Of course I’m not jealous of a dumb sewer cat.”

Charlie stops petting Spider in favor of staring at Lawyer. “I meant jealous of _me,”_ Charlie says slowly, as if Lawyer is a child who’s taken too many tumbles off his bicycle without a helmet. “Y’know, because he likes me better?”

The alcohol makes it so that Lawyer realizes his mistake too late, unable to stop the embarrassed blush he can feel creeping over his face. He does his best not to let it show in his voice.

“Clearly I misspoke.” But he can tell Charlie’s doesn’t believe him. Charlie, who’s setting Spider down on the floor and turning back to look carefully at Lawyer. He smiles lightly. Lawyer’s palms itch. 

“Y’know,” Charlie says, fiddling with the hem of his shirt ( _my shirt,_ Lawyer thinks) with forced casual-ness. “You never told me and Dee why you got divorced.”

“My wife cheated on me,” Lawyer says, more honestly than he would like.

“I’m sorry to hear that, man,” Charlie says sincerely. “Why did she do it?”

“Why? I don’t know why, Charlie.” Lawyer thinks about shutting up, about turning back to the tv and watching Thundergun jump out of the helicopter onto the other helicopter for the fiftieth time. He doesn’t want to relive the shittiest months of his life when the wounds are still so fresh. But he glances at Charlie and Charlie’s looking at him with so much patience and quiet interest that Lawyer sighs and decides he may as well share.

He fiddles with his beer bottle before answering. “I don’t really know. I only found out about it after we’d already decided to separate and at that point we weren’t really on speaking terms.” He sighs again and starts to peel at the loose corner of the bottle label. “But if I had to guess? I think she was bored. I think she thought _I_ was boring and wanted something more exciting in her life.”

“Well she must be stupid because you’re totally interesting, dude,” Charlie says.

Lawyer looks at him dubiously.

“You are! You saved Spider, remember? And you have a gun, which is cool. And you like _Thundergun_ so I know you have good taste in stuff,” Charlie says, nodding at the tv where Thundergun is sneaking into the top secret military base convincingly disguised as Barack Obama.

But Charlie’s not done. “And if it’s any comfort, the Waitress cheated on me too.”

“Yes, now I feel so much better.”

Charlie glares at him but Lawyer can tell it’s playful. “Shut up. Maybe we weren’t officially together,” Charlie allows, “but when she slept with all my friends it still hurt like a bitch.”

“All your friends?”

“Yep,” Charlie says, popping the ‘p’.

“Even Frank?”

“Even Frank,” Charlie nods.

“You have impeccable taste,” Lawyer says.

“Yeah, well, doesn’t matter whether she’s peccable or not. I just wanted to tell you that like, I get it, y’know? I know how it feels when the person you love breaks your heart. But I also know that when they do that that they’ve got other stuff going on that makes them act that way. So don’t take it to personally, man.” Charlie reaches out and pats his shoulder reassuringly.

Lawyer looks at him skeptically. “You think so?”

Charlie blows out a breath of mock incredulity. “When the Waitress cheated on me with Dennis? I knew it was because she wasn’t feeling too good about herself and he made her feel special. And when she almost cheated on me with Mac I know she was just worried about getting her sex tape back.”

Lawyer raises a brow. “You must really love her to be making excuses for her.”

Charlie looks a little indignant when he responds. “She really hurt me, dude, I’m not excusing what she did. I just know that sometimes things get hard and we want to feel special and we want someone to make us feel special. You know?”

“I think I’m following,” Lawyer says, taking another sip of his beer.

“So like, if she cheated on you man, she probably did it because she thinks _she’s_ boring, not the other way around, and cheating was the easiest way to make her feel not-boring. That’s on her, not you.”

Lawyer is quiet for a long time, mulling over Charlie’s words. They sit there, half listening to the explosions coming from on-screen, Charlie’s hand resting on Lawyer’s shoulder. Finally, Lawyer turns to him.

“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me since the divorce,” Lawyer says.

Charlie positively beams at that. 

He doesn’t know if it’s the beers or Charlie’s embarrassing honesty that causes Lawyer to continue. “If it’s any consolation, the Waitress sounds like a bitch.”

“What can I say?” Charlie shrugs good-naturedly, removing his hand. “I like 'em bitchy.” He winks and takes a pull from his half-finished beer.

Lawyer’s not sure why, but something about that statement rings a bell. Before he can figure it out though, Charlie distracts him by exclaiming over something happening on screen and Lawyer settles in to watch Thundergun skulking around the top-secret government warehouse with his sexy yet resourceful love interest. It’s clearly a trap set by his ex-wife-turned-archenemy and usually Lawyer rolls his eyes and takes a bathroom break during this scene. This time however, he can’t help but feel for the two lovers as they open a filing cabinet looking for what are meant to be top secret files and instead find a giant bomb counting down from 00:59.

“If I can be honest, I don’t really think it’ll work out between us.”

“What?” Lawyer has an unexplainable hot flash of panic before Charlie continues,

“Me and Waitress, I don’t think it’ll ever really work out. I’ve just loved her for so long that I can’t imagine that ever ending, you know?”

Lawyer thinks of his ex-wife’s smile, of the way she used to break the tabs off her soda cans when she was finished with them, and her inability to eat celery unless it was smothered in peanut butter. He thinks of all those things, the parts of her he misses and probably always will even if the thought of seeing her anytime soon makes him want to set himself on fire.

“Yeah,” Lawyer says, “I think I know.”

Lawyer only gets up to change the clothes over from the washer to the dryer. As he sits back down, he realizes Charlie’s flushed and fidgeting. He’s momentarily confused before he hears a moan coming from the tv and realizes they’ve reached the celebratory we-defeated-the-bad-guys-and-saved-the-country-without-dying sex scene.

They don’t look at each other until the credits roll.

When they finally do, Charlie stretches and Lawyer can hear his spine pop as he twists.

“Welp, this’s been fun, Lawyer man! But ole Charlie’s gotta get going,” he says, smiling tiredly.

Before he can talk himself out of it, Lawyer’s opening his fool mouth. “You’re welcome to spend the night.”

Charlie stops scrubbing his face and peers up between his fingers. “Really?”

Lawyer levels him with a flat look. “Unless you’d like to get stabbed twice in one day. It’s safer for you to just sleep here and go home in the morning.”

“Touché,” Charlie says and Lawyer is almost endeared by how proud he is of himself for using such a big word. Almost.

*

As he lays in bed, Lawyer realizes that Charlie was right. It _had_ been fun.

*

The next morning Lawyer gives Charlie a ride to Paddy’s.

It’s actually pretty nice and Charlie seems to approve of Lawyer’s music. He does lament that Lawyer doesn’t have a cassette player in his car but his disappointment evaporates when Lawyer switches over to the 80s on 8 station.

“I didn’t know you liked Springsteen,” Charlie says.

Lawyer drums his fingers against the steering wheel in time with the song. He smiles a little and glances at Charlie out of the corner of his eye.

“And I didn’t realize you had good taste,” he says, getting a better look at Charlie’s pleased expression as he makes a right turn.

They make it another few blocks in companionable silence before Charlie speaks again. 

“Thanks again for the ride, man. And for letting me crash at your place. I know you’ve been down in the dumps lately so I’m sure you’re tired of me causing you all this trouble,” Charlie says, looking down shyly. 

Lawyer speaks before he can think better of it. “I don’t mind. It’s been…nice,” he admits. “Besides,” he adds, and he doesn’t bother trying to hide his teasing tone, “I think you know by now that I can handle a little trouble.” He can’t be sure because he’s focusing on not hitting the minivan in front of him that pulled out of _nowhere,_ but he thinks he can see Charlie’s cheeks turning pink.

As they pull in front of Paddy’s and Lawyer throws the car into park, he can’t help the niggling sense of disappointment as Charlie unbuckles his seatbelt.

“If Frank attacks you again, don’t hesitate to call me, alright?”

“You got it,” Charlie says, smiling easily.

Relieved, Lawyer smiles back. “Have a nice day, Charlie.”

And without a thought, Lawyer leans forward and kisses Charlie goodbye.

It’s not a long kiss, just a quick peck on the lips. As he pulls back though, Charlie is staring at him wide-eyed. For a second, Lawyer doesn’t realize what he’s done. Then his brain catches up with his lips. He freezes.

Lawyer suddenly feels very, very stupid.

“Wow,” Charlie says, clearly still stunned. “I knew you liked me but I didn’t think you’d actually go for it.”

Hindsight is twenty-twenty and Lawyer’s memory is currently replaying all of Charlie’s secretive little smiles in high definition. Lawyer can feel himself getting hot and embarrassed, because apparently even _Charlie_ knew before Lawyer did. But before he can do anything like apologize or say he didn’t mean it or jump out of the car and run headfirst into traffic, Charlie is grabbing his lapels and pulling him back in for another kiss.

As kisses go, it’s not very good. It’s more like a mash of lips than anything else, mouths pressed awkwardly against each other from too much force. But then Lawyer cups Charlie’s face with his hands and gently tilts his head so they slot together more comfortably.

The change is instant. Lawyer now knows that Charlie’s lips are softer than they look and that his beard is rougher than it looks and the combination of the two makes Lawyer shudder. He readjusts one of his hands so his fingers can card through Charlie’s hair. This draws a whiny little moan out of Charlie but before Lawyer can pull him closer to really get his hands on him, his phone buzzes.

Reluctantly, he pulls away and checks the screen.

“Shit, I’m late for a meeting.” Lawyer is surprised at how wrecked his voice sounds. He looks up at Charlie who’s looking at him, cheeks flushed and hair charmingly tousled.

“What’s one more minute, man?” Charlie says and well, how can Lawyer argue with that?

Still, they do eventually have to break apart so Lawyer doesn’t get fired. But before Charlie climbs out of the car, Lawyer asks,

“Guigino’s? Seven o’clock?”

Charlie turns to him and squeezes his hand. “It’s a date.”

Lawyer smiles all the way to work.


End file.
